The Subterranean Reptoid

California’s Underground Dwelling, Human Hunting, Lizard Folk

Now California is famous for all sorts of things, but I have to be honest, until I caught a recent episode of Monsters and Mysteries in America I was unaware of this particular reason to visit. Ideally you all know about your east coast C.H.U.D.s and here at MBW, we’ve already drawn Gatormen, Frogmen and a few other vaguely reptilian beasts. But when I hear “ancient Hopi legend about snake brothers and their gold filled and inaccessible caverns along the Pacific ocean”… well my ears perk up.

To try and keep a pretty extensive and multi-tangented back story somewhat brief, we’re going to go with the simplest version where long long ago the southwest was devastated by a disaster… The Snake Brothers who up until this point had lived alongside the Hopi’s ancestors, decided to essentially take their golden balls and go home. In this case home being a series of caverns 1000s of feet underground along the coast of california somewhere in the general vicinity of LA. A city where legend has it, occasionally, a dog, a lady of the evening or perhaps a sleepy junkie might find themselves snatched, pulled into a rain sewer and from there, who knows how deep and for what purpose… We just know that they are never seen again.

Now I could just leave it at that, say they loosely look like Bossk (the oft forgotten bounty hunter from Empire) and let you play with drawings of reptilian Ryan Atwood punching a wall or lizards surfing while hillsides burn with the fires fed by the Santa Anas in the background… But I’d be neglecting to mention my favorite part. That if you really stretch the timeline of this story to like Jurassic times and deposit an evolving reptilian species in an environment that becomes closed due to… Oh i don’t know, an asteroid, an earthquake?… there’s a teeny tiny possibility these guys are really down there just waiting for the moment they can break free and eat us… well It’s California, so maybe they’ll just stand too close and tell us unnecessarily about their career and life path… but you know what I mean.

Here’s the bullet-ed list of descriptors for the attention deprived:

  • Shaped roughly like a human with lizard skin
  • Potentially has some sort of alligator-y tail
  • Wide set red or yellow eyes that are rumored to glow
  • A rounded bulldog like snout with fangs that go on for days
  • They’re from California…

our judgeOur Judge this week is Sean Bonner. Doer of many creative and often altruistic things, lover of the internet and design buddy of mine from way back. (To properly date my relationship with him, know he taught me all the shortcut strokes in Quark, when i first met him he was impatiently waiting for a VHS bootleg of all the episodes of “Get a Life” and we excitedly saw the first Mummy movie together opening weekend) Now he’s involved in enough stuff that I can comfortably just give you a link to seanbonner.com, let you read for yourself and thank him for taking the time to play!

judgement Is Complete

A quick note from our judge!
First of all I have to say as a proud Californian and even prouder Angelino I take serious offense to the suggestion that our reptilian under lords are in anyway mythical. Our Los Angeles Lizard People are a unifying point for our diverse city and unless you can 100% disprove their existence I’m sticking with the TRUTH that they are real. That aside:

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 3

The First Place Subterranean Reptoid Entry

Ha! You know I’m not one to say you have to follow every lil theme from old scifi/fantasy movies, but what makes the good ones so approachable is the general rules really do apply to everyday life: crush your enemies, stay on target, don’t join a vistor’s youth group etc… but if you really gotta go with one, for f*cks sake, never vote reptoid!

Judge’s Comments – This was a tough choice between two very strong political entries. And when talking about LA’s subterranean reptoids you can’t escape politics. I almost went with entry #7 but was put off by the blatant implication that our lizard friends are somehow spear wielding oppressors, meanwhile #3 comically suggests that people have some say in the matter and reptoids need to campaign. I LOL’d and LOL’d and LOL’d. And then I stopped. Because I don’t want to draw any suspicion or have to answer any questions. Everything is cool.

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 9

The Second Place Subterranean Reptoid Entry

It seems even Subterranean Reptoids go through and awkward pubescent growth spurt! My favorite thing about this guy is knowing he’s incapable of holding a conversation at anything less than an unpleasant volume!

Judge’s Comments – If Daniel Johnston knew about, or was a subterranean reptoid this feels like something he’d have drawn. I’m not saying Daniel Johnston ISN’T a subterranean reptoid simply that we’ll never know what his rendition of one would have looked like regardless of any first hand knowledge he might have had about them or not, so in leu of that this is a good proxy.

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 6

The Third Place Subterranean Reptoid Entry

Whoa that is one hell of a cloaca he’s smuggling in that jumper! I’m kinda in love with the Choose your own adventure action pose and the fact that I’m pretty sure there is some Bossk reference being used for those lizardy feets! Well that or Reptoids just dig capris?

Judge’s Comments – I ‘mediately smiled when I saw this one because I envision it to be the poster for a space b-movie from the 60’s produced by subterranean reptoids. We all know they hold secret power in the city so this is entirely likely. In fact it’s possible this exists and the artist here just stole it from some underground cinema that plays old lizard flicks but even in that case I’m awarding it because I wouldn’t dare break into one of those theaters.

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 1

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 1

I’m going to let you make your own wax on wax off joke here… but while you do so, I’ll have you note that I didn’t make it any creepier than the original poster was.

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 2

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 2

“I’m envisioning a more post-apocalyptic California where subterranean reptoids have reclaimed their Hopi heritage and taken over the city”- Yesss! First off you get extra points cause its been a long while since anyone dropped a pueblo on us! And secondly, I’m torn… part of me wants him to be giving a William Wallace style “we will be subterranean no more!” speech but I almost like it better doing the old “someday Alice… to the mooooon”!

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 4

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 4

Entertainingly I somehow think this one reads as more Ralph Macchio than my drawing of Ralph Macchio! And look at those chompers, totally not designed for fruit. If he’s planning on eating that apple himself, best case, he’s making a Mr Peepers like mess!

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 5

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 5

How F’d is it that this is what and Englishman learns of California from the internets…. F’ing delicious dancing raisins and the Kardashians! Stupid algorithms!

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 7

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 7

Haha you know I’m glad i looked it up cause i never woulda known this one was based on the real Cali state seal… And quite honestly is just a helluva lot better! I mean you’re missing the sleeveless shirted guy with the pick axe, but that lizardly left hand more than makes up for it!

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 8

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 8

“You’re not old enough nathaniel” – Ha! so for bit i was searching for the deeper esoteric meaning of the caption, with the two distant and distinct paths through the otherworldly architecture, at which point i realized the middle offer on that A frame sign is a BOGO on piccolos! which sidetracked and made me laugh cause i didn’t know if it means the tiny flute or the green guy from Dragonball… then i finally saw the lil lizard kid was begging for a copy of Grand Theft Lizard, and i laughed more cause I definitely went the long way around the block on this one!

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 10

The Subterranean Reptoid Entry # 10

The concept of a Subterranean Reptoid “Point Break” made me pretty happy until I realized, there’s probably not enough vertical space down there to pull off the skydiving scene… I mean i suppose you could change it to base jumping, but you’re just never gonna get the same level of drawn out suspense ;)!

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